endless pursuit of an elusive dream

2005-09-11T14:52:00.000+08:00

Prelims is tomorrow and I'm still yet to study anything for GP and chem.Just not depressed enough to go into really studying for anything.In fact I'm feeling fine right now...which is most puzzling!I'm really going to mess up my prelims...Damn!

Change of Add

2005-07-14T16:30:00.000+08:00

Shifted due to some technical problems

www.mercurialsolitude.blogspot.com

Presence?

2005-07-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

Its not an issue of whether I'll be there.Maybe things aren't the way I expect them to be.Perhaps somebody is just not ready yet.Give me some time.Do not give up,for I will definitely be there when the situation is apt.

Was,is and definitely will be.This I give you my word.

Driven by fear

2005-07-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

Reached home from watching 'batman begins' with justin and cheng wei, and well the show exceeded my expectations in terms of the storyline and screenplay,with some rather thought-invoking scenes littered throughout the show.It certainly has been a long day,and while many thinks that its marks the end of a day,I'm afraid to say that the night is still young and the fun has barely started.

The recent common test just proved that on my current condition I'm just not on par with the very best.It's time I get serious and down on the job.Do this not for myself but for the people closest to me who had not abandon hope on me when I'm in my days of despair.This A levels is mine for the taking.Ready and prepared to strike.

Lately, I just can't sleep at night due to some eccentric dreams of a rather dark nature.It just doesn't seem to make much of a sense due to it being a mixture of too many elements.After an analysis of the details, any derivative forms of information just suggested a bizarre premonition which I hoped that would never take place.

2005-06-23T14:38:00.000+08:00

Just woke up on the wrong side of the bed it seems that the day is beginning on a bad note.Maybe its because of some mood swings but my biological clock is being inverted.I just can't fall asleep at night,lying on my bed with thoughts which i would rather forget racing through my mind.I just hope that all this is just due to stress and not regarding some things that I had wish to let go of but is incapable of accomplishing.

Common test is just next week but my studies are still not up to it.It's really time that I start putting in some effort.

Lost in thoughts

2005-06-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

Completed a gruelling 3 hour session of physiotherapy assistance today and I have to admit that I'm close to falling apart.I just do not understand how some people could ever attempt full day shifts.Just woken up from sleeping on my home porch from sheer exhaustion and discovered that the army has sent me yet another letter.Seems like military chain mail cos every letter just doesn't suggest any stimulus for elation.But today's letter was a tad different in a way that it contains human handwriting(yeh...its so fascinating -_-)

An invitation to attend the pilot selection test!Must I be among the short-listed numbers.I mean I was anticipating a letter from the red berets but got a supposed more lucrative offer which was simply unexpected.I think I won't be able to make it cos they high-lighted that late-comers would be barred from taking the trial and my punctuality is really in the pits...

Hope that everything will go well...

2005-05-26T16:17:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Bad mood

2005-05-24T17:30:00.000+08:00

What the heck is this world coming to?Whatever that can go wrong has already gone wrong.I'm blaming myself for not making the crucial decisions which could maybe alter the present.What more could be done to salvage this irreversible change?If only I could turn back time,I'll never let this opportunity slip by ever again.Anybody have any idea how much I sacrificed?

Right now I just want to go somewhere else.I don't want the world to see the sorry state that I am in.

2005-05-16T18:44:00.000+08:00

Today is simply a horrible day.Started the day on a bad note by quarreling with my parents yet again,looks like I have to watch my patience especially when I'm running late.Got drenched in the process of running after running after the bus in a heavy downpour,which I managed to catch up with.Late for school yet again and received a glare from Edward Chew.As if things couldn't get any worse,it just did.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm really lack the courage to say what I feel,to act out my thoughts.Its just that under any adverse consequences that I would be in a dilemma.Should I make the right decision or the popular one?Would I be forsaking a close friend in the process who had undergone so much with me?

I just hope that I'll have what it takes to make these important decisions before I regret it forever.

Wide awake at an unearthly hour

2005-05-14T02:17:00.000+08:00

Its almost 3am in the morning and I'm still playing PS2 with my class guys staying over at Justin's home.I just hope that this moment would never end.I just dun want to be sucked back into the vortex of reality.Problems which remains unsolved over the past 2 years.Maybe the time just isn't right at the moment,but sometimes I wonder how long more could I hesitate before all hope is lost

Reluctance?

2005-05-06T19:15:00.000+08:00

The band had received a gold yesterday,but I'm just not that excited about it.My initial reponse was that of exhuberance by the truth only begun to set in after a while.The fact remains that we have not gotten what we had wanted,nothing can change this forever.I wanted to end my band life on a high note by sadly all I had managed was to hold a long note for the past 3 SYFs.The gold is good,but is it good enough for me?Am I being consigned to a life of mediocrity?

The 4X400 event was a major screw-up and I'm to be blamed for the last place finish.A half-hearted run could only reflect a fraction of what my best could promise.I tried my best to chase back the immense gap between the runners,but I failed yet again.I was handed the task of bridging the gap between the runnners and I did nothing to deliver as promised.Absolutely disgraceful performance to end off a string of 3 major defeats in 2 days.

Maybe I'll just have to get use to losing cos I'm just not good enough.

Sorry guys I'm really pathetic.

A touch of poignance

2005-04-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

Band practice today was really constructive.The volume of improvement was startling to me.Rising above my expectations,and never in my wildest dreams have I thought that we would be ready in time for SYF.The band has finally found its directions and ambitions!This may be the last week that I may ever play a clarinet again,and looking back,one can't easily forget all those fond memories.Moments of pain.Moments of anger.Moments of glory.Somehow I really want to continue playing on,my passion isn't dead after all,it just got stifled by stress along the way.

Time really isn't on my side.There's just so much that I would like to say to you,but the words just seem unable to leave my lips.There are times of frustration and contempt,but nothing can mask my thoughts.Sometimes I just feel so helpless with my ineptitude in voicing my feelings.Its not that I don't want to,but I don't dare to,hindered by my own insecurity.Things would not seem what it appears as,and all will be unravelled.If only you know what's going through my mind.I have no idea whether it is too late for me due to a string of missed chances,or that I should just grasp that slightest glimmer of hope that you extend to me...

A touch of ambivalence

2005-04-30T00:22:00.000+08:00

The NS medical was rather interesting and surprising to me.Fascinated by the strigent measures taken in the complete body checkup.Maybe an insight into what NS life would be like.The 3rd station was the bloodtest and I actually fainted on the spot after an extraction of a mere 2 vials of blood.Although this was double the amount required of the normal person,but I had to check for anaemia against my free will.Firstly,my muscle was blocking the vein,so it turned out to be a jab of futility.Then they had trouble finding the vein in my next arm,resulting in a further two jabs.Fortunately I only lost consciousness upon the withdrawal of the needle.

At the end of the medical,I discovered that I was allocated a PES A status by which there is a high possiblity of ending up in commandos or the national guards.The elites of the military!Simply unbelievable!Followed by a mixed feeling of excitment and a fear of an incapability of withstanding the grueling and inhumane training expected.A department shunned by most people out of fear.Having second thoughts about this because lots of people are going to be worrying for me constantly if I end up in these units.Haiz...how am I supposed to live up to expectations if I get knocked out by a simple bloodtest.

Wave of guilt

2005-04-24T02:31:00.000+08:00

I'm really going crazy coping with all the stress in daily life.I know sometimes I can't go for band because of this stupid headache problem.It just doesn't get better,only for the worse.My parents are forcing me to quit band and focus on my studies,sentiments shared by so many people around me be it teachers or peers.I don't know how long more can I keep this up by juggling both aspects of my life in the most haphazard manner.Neither do I have any idea regarding my defiance of my ailing health.

Teachers are bending over backwards to accomodate my flaws,something which made me feel just so guilty over.Would I have felt it in the same manner during the previous year where I was just being negligent.The replacement of glorious past achievements with the abysmal state of the present really leaves me feeling jaded and disheartened.I know my abilities and I've just scratched the tip of the ice-berg.It's time I push myself to the limits.

Maybe its all these stress that's making me lose my love of music,hindering me from the enjoyment of the passion.Or maybe it could be the result-orientated manner in the search of a final glory that killed off whatever that's left of my enthusiasm.

I don't want the gold but I just needed that gold so badly.I hope to end my clarinet playing on a high note.One which I would look back on and reminisce of the glories not a memory filled with regret and shame.

I'm not sure how I'm going to survive these 2 weeks but I will try my best.

2005-04-10T15:53:00.000+08:00

I'm really feeling very guilty reflecting over the past week.Things have not gone the way I have hoped it would.I feel that I just costed my class in that 4 x 400m event.I didn't managed to run my best and instead jogged most of the way.Maybe I just couldn't notice the track lines due to my rippled vision,maybe because I didn't manage to recover fully from an injury.The mounting pressures have taken a terrible toll on my body,I really wished that I could turn back time and go back into the past.

A past filled with less stress and expectations.

I have no idea regarding how much more I could take but from the way things are going I'm really tempted to give up band commitments prematurely.People say its just another month but to me its more of an eternity.

Pissed

2005-04-09T17:54:00.000+08:00

Fuck off u people who just expects so much from me.It isn't my damn fault if I get viewed in a different light just because of a small success.I'm not an immortal.I'm just human.Quit pushing me to the limits cos I can't take it anymore.I'm just tired.So very very tired.I'm not invincible.There are still many flaws yet to be rectified.Sorry but something just had to give.

I'm not what I am in the past.So many things have been happening,and there are so many things I wish to do but I can't.My body is really battered and injury-strickened.Rippled-vision.Persistent head-aches.Strained muscles.Aching ankles.I know sometimes I did not perfrom to expectations,but I'm currently not in the state to do so.

Sorry

2005-04-03T01:43:00.000+08:00

SYF is drawing nearer by the day.Let's just say that I ain't that optimistic about our chances,maybe its because of past accomplishments which had rendered me immunity to the starvation of success.Heck...I don't even give a damn.I'm going for the hat-trick of golds...I've never known the taste of failure in my life and I'm not going to find out.It's time we bring the gold home.

Finally got my running technique corrected after prolonged recovery from injuries...Yes...I'm back at long last

In pain

2005-03-24T15:42:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow will be Good Friday.A day for some much-deserved rest,and time to pay back my sleep-debt.I'm really exhausted from all the energy-draining study routines,so much to the extent whereby I had given my craving for that ice-cream a miss and head home to sleep.All this at a time when other people are busily mugging away.I hoped that I would be able to put in an even greater amount of effort,but my body just did not permit me to do so.

My injury-laden body is breaking apart from all the running and weights-training.I know it ain't gonna be easy but I've really gotta persevere on inspite of the pain.My ankle and hamstring feels sore and weak and there's a throbbing pain in my arm.Its really difficult to be disciplined in times of doubt,especially when the results did not reflect the effort that is put in.Well...Just have to remain optimistic then.

Anguish

2005-03-12T01:09:00.000+08:00

I'm really low-spirited these few days.Everything just doesn't go my way.Be it failure in my class tests and work.Be it injuries.I had promised myself that I will never fail a single test in 2005 but guess I'm unable to stick to my word.My ankle and quads are really burning right now,tingling with fatigue.Just got to start getting use to the pain and hope that it'll just blow over.I'm extremely tired from staying up late everynight for the past 2 weeks completing tutorials and studies,juggling band at the same time.I just don't understand why teachers still have a prejudice towards me...Sometimes I just want to give and up and say I don't give a damn anymore.I've really come too far to back out and there's too many eyes cast upon me.To all those people doubting my actions,to hell with all you idiots.I'm the show-stopper in my life and you all can just go get a life.

I have got to pull myself together and show what I'm capable of.

2005-03-10T16:03:00.000+08:00

I really couldn't bring myself to accept this stupid fact.There's absolutely no way I could have failed my GP essay.Guess that everything is now back to square one and I really have got to overcome this barrier.The day just keeps getting from bad to worse.My ankle is really hurting from all the running.I really should wear the pair of Asics,I really my fault then.I dunno whether its just me but everything feels so strange.Words that do not enter my head.My mind going blank.An eroded confidence.I just feel that something very important is missing,but it's just too late for any regrets.

2005-03-04T23:14:00.000+08:00

I really feel so very incompetent.My Chinese results are nothing to rave about,in fact it's so disappointing that I can only blame myself for this demise.If only I had put in the slightest bit of effort I'm sure the results would turn out to be much better.The feeling of achieving only a paltry B4 compared to the lofty A2 that I had expected of myself.Maybe all this may serve in the reflection of my poor attitude and complacency.I realise the volume of expectations shrouding my life,but I'm on the verge of a breakdown.I'm really burning candles at both ends,something has to give way.

Looking back,its certainly has been a year since that unforgettable incident,I swore to change my attitude towards life.Although a year feels like an eternity,I've become none the wiser in my obstinate actions by declining changes.Maybe I just got to learn it through the more ardous route.Maybe time will wait for me,maybe it won't.

I'm so stressed and upset over so many dismal events.It actually takes a B3 as a requirement to enter psychology faculty,whereas law demands an A2 in GP.I'm really light-years away from all these targets.I'm just so untalented in everything and the pressure just keeps building up in a race against time.

2005-02-26T00:56:00.000+08:00

I just injured my face today during the soccer game after band practice.Guess I was too busy looking at the ball to notice anybody in my way,so a collision was simply inevitable.Ended up with half my face being covered in blood and my lips got rather badly cut,so that should be a valid excuse to be unable to play for band.The little puddle of blood at the basketball court should be a testament of the site of the occurence of such a folly.Just got back from the doctor,and I was so relieved cos I thought that I had fractured my cheekbone and the trickling of blood just never fails to cease.Haiz...Sometimes,I really wish that everything could be as it was in the past.If I could turn back time,I would definitely have chosen another route,maybe a route that would eventually lead me to the destination that I had longed for.

2005-02-24T00:07:00.000+08:00

I'm such a sinful slacker.There's school tomorrow and I'm still blogging...haha...didn't intend to attend sch anyway!Why?Cos Man U and Barcelona playing 2night at 3.30am so gotta get my priorities right.I won't allow this opportunity to slip through my grasp again.I'll be yearning to see my beloved teams win in 3 hours time...My fingers are crossed(wink)...

Contemplation

2005-02-13T21:23:00.000+08:00

I'm dead-beat after days and days of late night gambling sessions.My luck doesn't seem to be that good this year,a reflection of this would be the meagre amount of my winnings.However within this few days I've realised things which I would never have thought of.Sometimes we just have to accept defeat gracefully and quit being a sore loser and real talent is often unveiled in the face of great peril and desperation.

I know everyone around me is expecting so much of me,the inclination to fulfill these expectations have led me to change my charater.Maybe I've got to be more callous.Be more unforgiving.To survive through all these power struggles I'll really have to start proving my worth.To become the strongest.To become the very best there ever will be.Rest assured I won't disappoint.

Within these few days I've found the solution to a long-standing problem.Maybe there really is no point in the endless pursuit of a lost cause for this would only further aggravate any damages incurred.Maybe it's just not meant to be by god's will.How foolish of me to be challenging the fate dealt out by god,but if I can turn back time I'll do it all over again.Perhaps I should just observe my surroundings and atart appreciating the efforts of people all around me.

Explosion of emotions

2005-02-08T17:57:00.000+08:00

Just got back from an outing with my class guys.Actually I've wanted to buy some more clothes for CNY cos all my shirts are all extremely dark colours.Darn superstition...I just feel so tired...My mind is in a whirl...

My throat problem is acting up again.I'm rather clueless over why my throat becomes sore everytime I play for band.Maybe its a sign indicating I should just give up clarinet playing for good.There's nothing for me stay on any longer for.My heart lies no longer in band.There's a possibility over a clash of differing ideals,but it all boils down to a burn-out.After so many years I can sense a wave of fatigue overwhelming me,my mind is really exhausted.Forget about SYF if my heart is not in place and my passion lies elsewhere.

Sometimes enough is enough if I'm forcing myself to carry-on something which I have a waning passion for.My heart beckons me to just put everything down and just leave.I'm really really confused now...Please help me god...

Disgrace

2005-02-03T23:08:00.000+08:00

I'm such a great disappointment.I'll hate myself for life because of my weak-mindedness.I'm really in great agony now.My shin feels like being pricked with needles.My muscles burns.My ankles are so weak I can't walk properly and stumbles at times.I'm literally living on pain-killers 24/7.But everthing pales in comparison with the fact that I just lost it big time.I know I can do it but why must everything mess up at the most crucial interval.When expectations are rising,why did I have to crack under the pressure?

The warming up was terrible,just didn't stretch properly because of the Archilles heel injury.In my final resort,pain-killer was used to mask the seething pain just before running.The first 2.4 was simply great cos I did it under 10 mins.If the first half was a heavenly start,then the return leg was absolute hell.After passing the halfway mark my ankle just collasped and a searing pain ripped through my tendons.The pain-killer concealed the initial pain so well that I did not notice it until it became aggravated.I just hanged on,picked myself up and tried to pick up the pace to overtake 50 plus runners.

After a couple of minutes,my ankle gave way again.I just couldn't stand anymore my legs were trembling but had no choice other then to limp my way back for the next 2k.When I am sufficiently near the finishing line,I had no choice but to give a final burst of speed in a bid to salvage a lost cause.My both ankles were really useless at that point,showing hints of giving way.Fortunately I managed to collapse past the finishing line,I just could not stand up.I fear that I had just torn the muscles and some runners had to carry me to the line to end the race.

Ended up being carried to the medic tent.If maran was there he would have labelled me as a bloody bunch of disgrace.Its true that what had happened is really disgraceful.I really wanted to do much better.I should have endured the pain throughout the race had I been more strong-willed.

Sorry guys,I messed up.I really didn't want things to turn out this way.I really want to win this class event very badly.

Temperamental

2005-01-29T21:28:00.000+08:00

Sorry for being so volatile lately but I just feel very very stressed lately I'm up to the neck trying to cope with the rising expectations from the people around me.I about to burn out I'm losing my composure.Sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations and go off to somewhere quiet till I feel better.

X-country is coming up and I'm still stuck with this stupid cough.I'm angry with myself for not taking care of myself.I know people expect quite a bit from me when I don't run well.I'll be honest and admit that I've not trained well in the build-up to this event,but the fact that I've been dogged by injury didn't help either.Sometimes when I feel pain I'll just close my eyes to try to shut it out or picture my inspiration,but I'm really exhausted and injury-laden.My muscle are tearing,pain shoots up my leg with every step I take.

I don't know what's going on either in band,Mr Lee just expects so much from everyone and sometimes the limelight falls on me.I swear that the seat at the end of the first row is a poison chalice.He just expects so much from me,even though I'm trying my best.Sometimes I just wanna give up becos I just can't live up to all this high expectations.

Everyone just anticipate me to pull a rabbit out of the hat to salvage a lost cause or be the source of inspiration.Well...Sorry,but the magician's talent is spent and his heart is weary.

No matter how disheartened I am I'll fight through the pain barrier cos I've made to great a sacrifice to be where I am now.I will never surrender to obstacles.I believe I am strong and I will prove it.To all these obstacles I'll say just bring it,for no fears could reside any longer in my heart.

Pissed

2005-01-27T16:29:00.000+08:00

This is really total crap...

Nothing went right today.I blundered during this morning's PE by not running to my best.The 800m running was supposed to be easy,but somehow I just stopped running at the 700m mark,I really have to idea what I'm doing.Yuehong said that I have the stamina but I just lack the brains.I really think that its really true cos I am flabbergasted by the way that I just stopped cos I DON'T want to run...

Because I just DON'T GIVE A DAMN anymore!Anybody ever realises that I'm suffering from a heel injury recently.Ok I have to admit that I get rather temperamental and moody when I'm in pain.Band on the day before was terrible.The pain was excruciating throughout the practice but I just sat through the entire event.I know I was late in returning after sectionals but I'm actually having a very bad mood swing cos of the pain.It just seems that all the effort I put into my training is really having a serious toll on myself,I just feel frustrated and impatient all the time.Sometimes I really feel like giving up.I'm suffering from a serious burnout.My threshold level has been breached.

I can't take it anymore.

Anticipation

2005-01-23T01:29:00.000+08:00

I'm so excited!I'm finally being able to play for an ensemble tomorrow...Hopefully my throat recovers fully by then...I'm feeling real bad now sucumbing to the temptations of that vile chocolate bar,and its not even my favourite type!

The church function yesterday was simply great,but what's greater is the enduring patience of my frens who have really waited for my return for close to 3 months.Extremely commendable effort and I appreciated it alot,but I really feel that I'm really ain't worth the 3 months wait.Just wanna say thanks for sticking with me through thick and thin and lending me a listening ear when I needed company most...My life won't be complete without u guys.

My cross-country preparations just hit a brick-wall.My mom just forbade me to train with my throat condition,but to me nothing is too great a barrier to overcome.Pain may break my body but it won't quash my fiery passion and determination of steel,cos I've found my source of inspiration.

Firing all cylinders

2005-01-20T19:47:00.000+08:00

Ran 5k for SPE today and the timing turned out to be 26.38.Although I improve by 8 mins from the previous run last week,I won't kid myself.26.38 is simply not good enough,I know I can do much better,cos I've done it before.The pain from my injury-laden legs have been greatly reduced,but I really not running at my usual ability,conserving too much energy for too long.

Time is really not on my side,2 weeks to regain my lost abilities and start fulfilling my potential.I'm going to be firing all cylinders at Road Run.Cos I've got too much to prove,and too little time to prepare.If I have to break the pain barrier I'll just have to do it.Once my mind is set on something,impossible is nothing.Right now,I'll just have to seek god in easing my pain,refreshing my jaded mind and giving me all the inspiration and determination I'll need.

I'm really at a lost now...I really don't have the courage to vocalise what my heart tries to say.Cos I don't want to miss another opportunity ever again.

A new beginning...haha

2005-01-14T22:53:00.000+08:00

When my chem tutor returned us our topical test scripts,I was really filled with dread cos this is really the deciding paper on whether I remain in 04S07 or go back to to spend some time in J1.My fellow class ppl didn't exactly do that well,and then I got more and more demoralised as each script passes me by.Then came that moment of anxiety,I stared at the script and my jaws dropped.Woohooo!I had passed!I really feel like shouting with joy but I'm a man of great determination so I restrained myself.

Then Serena Neo asked me for my tutorial and before I can do anything she said that I must have forgooten to do it,and was about to tick down my name when I exclaimed that's a prejudice against me cos I had actually done it.My whole class was greatly shocked...guess they would have to get use to the new me.It certainly felt great to make your critics eat their words!

I'm really so excited at seeing the number of juniors trickling in,and some of them possess rather strong musical skills.A wave of optimism leading to SYF cos I'm really feeling so much more confident.Gotta practise flight of the bumble bee now...haha...just seen the score and I can play some parts of it...and no it ain't the slow parts...

Darn!Ran too much too fast during the SPE trying to outrun too many ppl,the first 2 rounds were perfect with me leading,den my ankle just collapsed.The pain was simply excruciating,denting my hopes in the road run and interfering with my preparation schedule.If I have to break the pain barrier and run with the pain,I will do so.I think it must be my worn-out shoes that's causing all this.I'm finally getting my ASICS racer tomorrow,its so light its like running bare-footed with all the comforts...I'm getting really excited and anxious.

Well,tomorrow is must CIP day in the afternoon,and hopefully I would be able to get lots of donations and fun at the the same time.Its really been a long time since my whole class went out together.Well thank you so much god for such a great week and answering so many of my prayers with so many great things happening to my and going my way.I don't know what tomorrow promises but with you guiding me I wouldn't be the least worried.

Indecision

2005-01-08T01:42:00.000+08:00

I feel so relieved...that dreaded conditional test is finally over!!!I have to say that the maths is rather disappointing cos I really knew how to do a 8 mark question and in the end i wasn't allowed the time to write it down...Arghhhh...That's a travesty against me!But the chem paper's MCQ are a killer,but the section B is really easy.The entire bio paper is a cinch cos I spent all my time mugging bio only,and I only finished studying like one hour before the paper.Really last-minute stuff!

Somehow the fear of being retained still resides in me,I really messed up my maths paper,and I dun want maths to be the cause of my downfall...But whether I am retained or promoted for good,its all left to god to decide what is better for me,though I prefer the latter though.

The band concert is being shifted to June,and its taken a huge load off my heart.I mean I really dun want the band to suffer in SYF due to the concert preparations and lack of practice.I hope to avoid seeing the scene at the Thailand concert hall ever again.

The bowling trials is next wed and I haven't begun training yet...die...typical procrastinator that's me!If I really get retained,I think I might just leave band for good and start anew my JC life by changing to another CCA.Right now there are only two choices,either I play well and make it into bowling or to just join track and field,cos running is my greatest passion.I really dun know what to do now.Dear God,please be there for me and guide me through my decision-making for you are indeed wise and forgiving.Forsaken me not,for I really need your aiding.

A new beginning

2005-01-01T03:12:00.000+08:00

Finally 2005 is here!A new year and a new beginning for me...The year just promises so much and I really gotta grab the opportunities that drift by and not let them slip through my fingers in the past.The previous year is really filled with much tears,pain,confusion and joy.In just a short peroid of a year,I've lost many things which I hold dear to my heart,but at the same time found things that make life wonderful yet again.All this could most probably be attributed to the grace of God for helping me pull through one of the most trying years of my life,helping me get back on my feet when I fall,and sending angels to guide me through my peroid of darkness.(U angels noe who u are...I really appreciate all your help and I just wanna thank u all for everything)

2004 is certainly rather eventful...Both in the bad and good way...

Things to forget:
1)Breaking my hand
2)Disputes with chinese teacher
3)Screwing up my promos and common test
4)The poor showing at the Asian Symphonic band competition
5)The disastrous inter-fac soccer tournament we messed up big-time and I scored a most spectacular own goal(Got teased rather badly after that incident)(Should apologise to the whole fac)
6)A horrible hockey tournament(got eliminated early)
7)Skipping too many lessons

Things to remember:
1)Reignited my passion in clarinet(I nearly quit and give it all up)
2)Angels who are there to help me in my time of need
3)Went back to God
4)The school bowling open(although we didn't win but we did much better than expected)
5)Regained my ability to stay composed when playing soccer(Finally at long last...Erased past painful memories)
6)Deeply moltivated to study really hard and changing my character for the better.
7)(I can't say it...haha)

The past year has really led me to reflect on mistakes made,and change myself for the better.I know my attitude is really terrible at times,but I'll really try to change.2004 I've made many resolutions which I failed to accomplish but I guess I can make up for lost time this year.Let this year be the year of metamorphosis,cos I'm changing everything of myself.My last year hadn't been ideal for me,filled with tears and pain at times,but I won't swop it with anyone else.Cos be it good or bad,I'm loving every moment of it.

I'm really moltivated now.I'll blaze through this year and show the world what I'm really made of.

Merry Christamas to all

2004-12-25T05:44:00.000+08:00

Christmas is finally in town!The crisp early morning air lingers with a tinge of yuletide joy,making everything before me light up with a glow of the contagious festive joy.I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I really feel invigorated by all this festive cheer and being overwhelmed by a touch of optimism in life.Above all,Christmas has brought me back some close frens whom I thought I had lost.

I'm really feeling so excited now!I'm finally getting that Creative MuVo² FM that I've been craving for,eyeing at and above all,hinting for so long to get it.The countdown to christmas happened at the weirdest of places,the bowling alley at Kovan,cos I went bowling with my familyy till 2am in the morning,and now my index and middle fingers are on the verge of breaking.(P.S:Cheng Shenggui guess ur spared till my fingers recover)But I'm too excited to sleep now...haha...

Wishlist:
1)Creative MuVo² FM(I'm going to get it)
2)New index and middle fingers(God,I'm depending on you for this)
3)New legs to replace my bruised and weary legs from all those soccer and running
(Subjective to God)
4)Passing conditional test
5)Photographic memory and IQ of 150)
6)Ice in my veins to allow me retain my composure in the most testing of circumstances
7)Anger management crash-course
8)SYF gold
9)Wishing everyone a merry X'mas(enemies inclusive)

Remembrance

2004-12-23T01:47:00.000+08:00

The moment I opened my eyes was to the sound of my phone ringing...What I had dreaded had actually materialised!I was late for band.I know I had promised myself to not be late for band anymore,but I was really exhausted by my late night study sessions.I dun know what's wrong with me but I just studying way better in the dead of the night.

By the time I reached the school,it was past lunchtime and ended up sight-reading armenian dances yet again.True enough,I was really struggling with some of the faster parts.I really feel incompetent as a player and a band member.When we got sent out to practise on our own,I just feel that it was a message that the band can do without the clarinet section judging from the way we are playing.I'll answer those critics back by letting my music do the talking!

I know I'm not the ideal player and band member yet,but I'm really trying my best...

The BBQ at daniel's house was rather interesting cos instead of preparing the charcoal some of us ended up challenging some local residents to soccer.Our opponents happen to be from a spectrum of ages,including little kids who are rather cute with a height that only reaches my waist level.I was actually giving in alot to the little kids,by not tackling them when I should be,and not being too physical in my approach.I really felt so guilty when I made a tackle on one of the kids and sent him sprawling onto the field.Then everyone from my class was staring at me and I really felt a tinge of regret,for not holding back in my playing.

Somehow we managed to get ourselves some alcohol,thanks to deborah,were egging each other to try some of it.The one I bought was considered to be rather strong in its alcohol content and someone suggested it tasted like some tonic wine,due to its rather weird taste.

My class people really rocks!And for those who are leaving,I really hope that they will still be with us come next year,cos everyone will be sorely missed.A feeling of poignance currently resides in my heart...If I could turn back time,I'll treasure every moment spent with u guys...

Courage

2004-12-20T22:37:00.000+08:00

After a rather uncomfortable week,I finally went for the removal of my stitches allowing me to eat anything sinful that my heart desires.Have to admit it really feels great.Tried playing clarinet after a hiatus of a few weeks,although I feel weird and sound even weirder.Sight-read armenian dance for the first time,and I have to admit that it really looks a little intimidating but I can live with the Singapore rhapsody part.

Its really been a long time since I last played soccer,but today I think I really played much better than I used to.Finally managing to overcome those nervous attacks whenever the ball is with me.It seems that after managing to survive the torrid past few month,nothing can faze me any longer.Another thing is that I always tend to over-complicate matters,seeking the more spectacular way out when a simpler mean can be used,putting efficiency on the line.Alot has happened over the past few years be it injuries or other controversies,but I seem to have finally found that bit of courage in me to play to the best of my ability.

Just as christmas is round the corner,Joseph had to be struck down by some strange illness.I really hope its not dengue cos I've gotten it twice and its really pure torture.So I really pray that he would recover in time for christmas(really tragic if ur sick on some festive season).Well,I'm still praying for that miracle of mine to materialise...

Miracles?

2004-12-19T15:14:00.000+08:00

Listening to Joseph preach over the phone last night was a rather wierd experience,becos it really struck me that sometimes God can contact us in even the most bizarre manner be it through the most unexpected people or during most unearthly hours.Just when I feel that my faith is at its lowest point,sometimes unexpected events would somehow occur,when would provide me with the encouragement to persevere on.

When I was feeling kind of confused and my mind is in a dilemma,I just prayed that there would be someone whom I can just talk to.Miraculously,an hour later I actually found four missed calls on my phone.With some numbers of people whom I've yet to know.I don't believe that it is purely down to luck,for it is really too much of a coincidence.

Prayed really hard for Man U to win last night,and God somehow managed to answer my prayers blessing them with a 5-2 victory.What a great start to the week leading up to christmas!

Hope?

2004-12-16T21:02:00.000+08:00

Went for a long-awaited hair-cut today and it really made me sweat...I was like getting rather fidgety and a little shocked,because the hair stylist just went on cutting and cutting,oblivious to everything around her.I hope she was having a great time with the cutting cos I wasn't,and I had reminded her that I hope that after she's done I would have some hair left.However things aren't as bad as they seem initially although my hair is really short now.Starting to miss the feeling of having longer hair...haha...

Chatted on MSN with some of my class ppl today and one of them said maybe I should try goigng church.Should I commence my attendance of church or should I just stay away until I feel that I'm more ready for god.I'm not putting god on hold,but there's really something which I have to overcome before I can start accepting christ again.

Studies continuing at an agonisingly slow pace although I'm just about to complete bio molecules chapter...A little relieved I should have been.I just have to burn the mid-night oil tonight if I am to attend the TJ concert tomorrow night.Decisions...Decisions...So very crucial now.

After so many things happening over the past few months,I think that the rain have finally ceased,and the dark clouds have dispersed,allowing sun-light to stream into my life again.Guess I really shouldn't hang onto something which I should have let go a year ago...I've taken too long to fall down,too long to get back on my feet,and definitely too long to start moving on again.

For honour and glory

2004-12-14T20:16:00.000+08:00

Haiz...my surgery wound is still bleeding after 30 hours and it still won't start clotting,although the pain ain't there anymore.So I can say that I'm actually very relieved to a certain extent although I'm gonna miss band prac for quite some time cos I really can't play.

Just went for one hell of a bowling game which is rather productive cos I finally tried out curling the ball for the first time,and I really did quite well at it for a first-timer.Well...have to practise more cos the national youth bowling team's beginning their selection trials on the 23rd(gasp!)...I'm going to make the TP bowling teacher regret not choosing me in the trials...haha...

Something that someone just said made me ponder for quite a while on my way home.Does loving someone weakens your relationship with god?I know its very tedious and arduous task to be the perfect person,as the ideals of perfection itself varies according to the individual,but I'll really try...

In pain

2004-12-13T19:09:00.000+08:00

Finally got this surgery thing behind me.

I really feel so relieved now,well I should be,but I'm not because the wound just simply stop bleeding.I've been bleeding non-stop for the last hour.Too painful to eat.Too painful to drink.Too painful to breathe.Too painful to sleep.Just lay down there,thoughts running through my head,distant images flashing through my mind.Memories that are once vivid are now nothing more than vague and distant.

No point dwelling on the past cos it's too late to say sorry.This moment feels like forever and within my heart are memories of perfect love that you gave to me.I know there's nothing more that could be done and it's really time I moved on after spending this troubled one year trying to erase all memories of the past.I've made a mistake too serious,too costly in the past and I certainly won't make it again.

When opportunities present itself,I won't let it slip through my fingers again.It's time I start treasuring the people around me.

Recollections of a long-forgotten past

2004-12-11T23:31:00.000+08:00

Just started studying for the various tests next year when school finally commence, and amazingly I'm really studying at a snail's pace now, and it would take nothing less than a miracle to complete my revision by end of this year.To be honest, I think bio is really a cinch...How did I ever manage to fail it!Maybe I've been sleeping for a whole year and I've finally woken up from this slumber.Yep!I guess its high time to kick into gear and show the world what I'm really made of.

I feel really guilty when I went back on my word to attend youth service with Joseph,reason being that I had to dedicate my time to my bio.I have to admit that initially people were rather skeptical and apprehensive towards Joseph's change personality-wise and many even feel that his passion for god is nothing more than tepid.Guess only time will reveal one's true colours, but right now I can say that I believe in him and hope that he will let his actions do the talking, winning over the most cynical of critics.

Whenever people tries to persuade me to attend church services, I more often than not exhibit a feeling of reluctance.I think it all boils down to my inability to get over the two things god had done which had left a great dent in my faith.Until then,I'll just have to prepare myself for the day when I may serve god yet again.

Stepping where angels fear to tread

2004-12-06T15:33:00.000+08:00

The lunch at marche yesterday was great to say the least.Another crazy session of food binging ending off with a sampling of an array of wines with yee kiat...Crazy alcoholics of Victoria are we...Well...no section meal could be completed without taking a few potshots at Samuel...Haha..

Our section seniors are finally about to enlist into NS soon(wish I could go in with them too), and I sincerely hope that they will be able to survive through the gruelling two years and come out better and stronger.The time spent in NS will not be a walk in the park, and I really hope that the seniors will be mentally tough enough to face the daily challenges.When the body fails it is up the the mind to pull you through the various obstacles ahead.

The mind is indeed God's greatest gift to man, for the mind allows us to either wallow in desperation or allows us to see the faintest glimmer of hope in the bleakest of situations.And it is due to my fascination with the human mind, that I am giving up my chem engineering dreams to go into psychology, for a mind is too important an asset to waste, and I want to be the person to guide others out of their troubles.

I'm so very upset that my dreams of being a commando would be going up in smoke, cos I'm the only male child of my family and my broken wrist...The reason that I want to go into commando so badly may be due to my desire to be there to protect my loved ones, even if it means putting myself in great peril...

It might really be the last time I get to see my seniors, many of them whom I had been greatly indebted to for their guidance and dedication to the section.So when I was bidding Shahidah farewell, I was really filled with a feeling of deja vu and reluctance, for I know that this would be a great loss to the section and we certainly have great boots to fill before our fight for SYF glory begins.For they would certainly be missed...

Well, this poem could sum up my feelings now....

The tide recedes,
but leaves behind bright seashells in the sand.
The sun goes down,
but its warmth lingers on the land.
The music stops,
but it echoes on in sweet refrain
For every joy that passes something beautiful remains

Symptoms of depression

2004-12-01T14:36:00.000+08:00

When I woke up I just lay there pondering about what had happened over the past few days.Its really sad to see people being indifferent towards our failure, cos the tears that I shed were really shed on their behalf.My section people really couldn't be faulted at all,for they were without any doubt one of the most dedicated people I have known.I wish that I would be sacked from band instead of the various section leaders being made responsible for our demise.I missed bandfest today due to the pain of my leg muscles being torn apart, the pain was simply excruciating. Then as I flipped through the morning papers, I came across a section on depression, and I realised that I actually possessed all the symptoms of depression.I guess it is most probably due to the lost of my sole pillar of strength.Someone I can turn to in my darkest hours.I can only turn to god to bail me out of the troubles one last time, letting me get back onto my feet once more...I promise that after this experience, fall no more shall I.The presents that I bought for everyone is considered to be aptly chosen. The wine and the vodka for my dad, some vodka chocolates and chewing gums for my sis, but I didn't mange to find anything for my mom which she would have liked.

Well I'm finally back!

2004-11-30T23:30:00.000+08:00

The Thailand trip was simply rather fun to say the least, with too many attractions and ammenities to keep me enthralled.Together with the late-night drinking sessions and suppers, not to mention crazy ice-cream binges at unearthly hours, makes coming back to Singapore an act of reluctance.There's simply too much shopping left undone with too many unfinished business.However the mood to shop is really lacking, due to a disastrous attempt to capture that elusive gold medal.Sitting through the competition finals was pure torture, so I excused myself to take some time to cool down outside the concert hall.Seeing other bands taking one step closer to the coveted prize, with memories of our own failures and the reaction of some people made me feel depressed.Just then,Dr Lee appeared behind me and confided that he is feeling so incompetent. After hearing these words, I was on the verge of breaking down in tears again, but I managed to control my emotions. Seeing a conductor blame himself for his student's misdeeds is simply a sad situation.I mean he had already done his best, whereas we have yet to show our sense of dedication to the band. I feel so very guilty the moment we were eliminated. I am angry with myself for being incompetent in my musical skills, my terrible attitude, and my lack of practice in my secondary school days. I think I should be held mainly responsible for this very tragedy of the band, for I made too many mistakes. I really feel that my section would be much better off without me, achieving a better standard of music playing.Maybe I shouldn't even go for the SYF, for I would only be disappointing more and more people.I have already greatly disappointed the two people whom I love most, and its just too late to say sorry anymore. I feel like a total failure. Well, I guess its time to turn to that bottle of vodka to ease my troubles a little now....I just have to inch myself out of this mess regardless of how agonising it is, be strong in this time of peril, for too many things will have to be dependant on me.

A Glimmer of hope

2004-11-19T16:00:00.000+08:00

I just tried to change everything about myself.Well,for once I'm being punctual.Even the clothes I wear have not been spared, for I had eschew my habitual T-shirt for a more formal attire...Although it may seem a little uncomfortable due to the climate.The meeting with the principal resulted in me feeling extremely dejected after being labelled a waste of talent...Even my own parents have not lifted a finger in helping me and instead piled on further sniding remarks...I would rather have failed after trying my best rather than to just do injustice to what is being bestowed upon me by god.However I feel that my parents could just be more tactful in their remarks and stop shirking responsibility leading to the current state I'm in now.Couldn't they be more understanding?

I mean my relationship between me and my parents have never been close, but things looked bleak as further strain was being imposed on this fragile relationship.Running is now the best alternative to drown out the emotional pain,so i guess i will be having an extremely tough exercise schedule coming up.My determination of gunning for top honours have fueled my desire to persevere on in achieving my endeavours.

With the band competition just around the corner, precious seconds are just ticking away and we are all in a race against time.However it certainly is heartening to see people around me putting in their best effort to attain band pracs and the conductors efforts in search of musical perfection.I know this recent weeks having taking a toll on my emotions,but I'm so embarassed about letting my personal troubles affect my concentration...Talk about a lack of professionalism.

I know that I've not been that good a christian but I beseech god to continue guiding me through this dark patch.I have certainly fallen on stony grounds, but I will be strong and persevere on regaining my footsteps and becoming better and stronger...Please be there for me in my time of need, Lord...

I know nobody's perfect, but I will at least try to be a saint.

Depressed...

2004-11-13T21:30:00.000+08:00

Dragged myself to band today,expecting more or less the usual stuff,but things actually turned out to be too eventful a day for me.Hardly half the day had passed before I was being bombarded with a string of alien musical concept questions.Not surprisingly it sounded like Greek to me and my head is speaking in a different language.I guess there is so much a person could take before exploding...Dr Lee had walked out on us...Followed by a blasting session by the vice pres...Well, my SL broke down and started crying...ensued by the peroid of silence...I just sat there in a daze overwhelmed with guilt...I mean if someone has to be responsible for this poor attitude,then allow me to shoulder the blame...I have to admit that my level of commitment leaves much to be desired,and I should just show the amount of dedication expected of me instead of shirking responsibility...Cos there are too many people out there who are clearly innocent of this slanderous dressing down, people who have put in 100% effort in everything they do.I promise to stand up and be counted as we approach this competition,and display my true level of dedication in the future.I will never skip band ever again.This tongue lashing session has woken me up from my non-chalant ways,and I wont be as negligient as before cos I've lost too much time already.There's gonna be a great change in me.This I can assure you...Recently too many unfortunate things had happened, but I realised that loving a person doesn't necessary mean having her to yourself,but ensuring that her happiness is being of the utmost importance...Confusion also arises in the form of making a tough decision which would ultimately affect my entire life...God,please guide me out of this peroid of indecisiveness,by being the beacon leading out of this darkness...

I'm losing my composure

2004-10-27T15:01:00.000+08:00

Finally...this PW thing is coming to a close.I certainly hope to end this whole load of hardwork with a bang...Disappointing that I couldn't get an EE in any segment whereas somebody actually got an EE for a segment that he actually sucks at...Unbelievable....I guess that sometimes hipocracy can really be useful...But I certainly won't lower myself to such a lowly level...What the heck is this world coming to...I guess I'll just have to face the music this coming Friday for my results...Absolutely dissapointing is what I can say about myself...Actually I shouldn't give a damn about all this crap and start to look forward to the conditional test...It's time to fire all cylinders and fulfil my potential...The pressure of PW is getting to my group and it's evident that I'm about to crack under this pressure, I guess I shouldn't be putting up with the crap from some group members anymore...okay...I am really questioning my commitment to band...I feel rather guilty when I skip some practices, but I don't really have the mood to go.I guess that after so many years I'm close to suffering a burnout...I just want to have a change just this once...so I guess I should just quit and start anew with another CCA should I get retained...Sometimes I feel so stressed that I just ain't keen on living on this life...